1. ThatConversation
1.那次談話

From years 15 to18, I would have sold my husband to any willing woman for a dollar. And theymay have gotten some chain. We were in a very unhappy untenable, unkind place,and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Until one day I went to courtand saw a string of cases that highlighted exactly what we were doing wrong athome.
從15歲到18歲，我會把我的丈夫賣給任何願意為一美元的女人。他們可能得到了一些鎖鏈。我們在一個非常不愉快，難以忍受，不友善的地方，我不知道是什麼問題。直到有一天，我去了法院，看到了一系列的案件，這些案件清楚地表明了我們在家里做錯了什麼。

That's whatallowed me to come back with an understanding of the need for effectivecommunication I'm judged and told her. And this bond course is about thatconversation. And when I say that conversation, I mean, all of theconversations that you have with your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend,your living, love your significant other.
這也讓我重新認識到了有效溝通的必要性，我被評判並告訴了她。這門邦德課程是關於那個對話的。當我說這段對話時，我是說，你和你的配偶，你的男朋友，你的女朋友，你的生活，愛你的另一半的所有對話。

This is a podcourse about how to have any conversation with the person that you're in lovewith. Why is this important? Well, let me tell you just about everybody isinterested in having a relationship. A partner, someone to love coupling up isa deep and abiding biological drive. That's very compelling and most of everyhuman being wants.
這是一個關於如何與你所愛的人進行對話的播客課程。為什麼這很重要？好吧，讓我告訴你，每個人都對戀愛感興趣。一個伴侶，一個愛的人結合起來是一種深刻而持久的生物動力。這是非常有說服力的，也是大多數人想要的。

And on top ofthat, it's fun, especially in the beginning, that new feeling of love whenyou're reeling is singing and carrying on. And once we feel that way, we do ourbest to keep that explicit feeling aloft, as long as we possibly can. And partof keeping that feeling part of keeping that love part of keeping thatconnection is being able to communicate.
最重要的是，它很有趣，尤其是在開始的時候，當你搖搖晃晃的時候，那種新的愛的感覺在歌唱和繼續。一旦我們有了這種感覺，我們會儘我們所能，儘我們所能保持這種明確的感覺。保持感情的一部分，保持愛的一部分，保持聯系的一部分是能夠交流。

Communicate. Iknow it is the biggest cliche in the world, but I'm gonna say it anyway becauseit's one of the biggest food. Good communication is an essential component of asuccessful romantic relationship. Now, just to get started, let me tell you astory. I was the judge on divorce court for 13 years.
溝通。我知道這是世界上最大的陳詞濫調，但我還是要說，因為它是最大的食物之一。良好的溝通是成功的浪漫關系的重要組成部分。現在，我來給你講個故事。我在離婚法庭當了13年的法官。

Those peoplereal, they were not actors. We flew them in from all over the world. Often Ihad an opportunity to talk to them about what they're talking about. I'd speakto one litigant, the husband, the wife, the girlfriend, the boyfriend, and I'dhave them explain something to me. Then I would turn to their spouse, theirlove of their boyfriend, their girlfriend, and asked what did that other personjust say in 13 years, I can count on one hand how many people got it?
那些人是真的，他們不是演員。我們把他們從世界各地空運過來。我經常有機會和他們談談他們在說什麼。我會找一個訴訟當事人，丈夫，妻子，女朋友，男朋友，我會讓他們給我解釋一些事情。然后我會問他們的配偶，他們對男朋友的愛，他們的女朋友，問對方13年來說了什麼，我一手就能數出有多少人得到了？

Right. Theyrarely heard exactly what was said. They heard what they expected to hear, orthey heard what their fuse told them. They might have said. Or they heard whatexperience leads them to believe may have been said, even though that wasn'tsaid again, but rarely did they hear exactly what was on the other person'smind often they never even got close.
正確的。他們很少確切地聽到所說的話。他們聽到了他們期望聽到的，或者他們聽到了導火索告訴他們的。他們可能會說。或者，他們聽到了什麼經驗使他們相信可能說過的話，儘管他們没有再說一遍，但他們很少聽到對方的確切想法，他們甚至從來没有接近過對方。

Usually they getthe topic about right. But that's pretty much it. So. This experience that I'vehad over the 13 years has confirmed for me the importance and the complexity ofhaving good communication, the importance and complexity about knowing how tohave. That conversation with the person you're in love with no matter what thatconversation might be.
通常他們會把話題說對了。但差不多就是這樣。所以。這13年來我的經歷證實了良好溝通的重要性和復雜性，以及如何進行溝通的重要性和復雜性。和你所愛的人的談話，不管是什麼樣的談話。

You're listeningto that conversation. A Himalaya learning audio course, be sure to check outall of the other awesome exclusive content in the Himalaya app or on mla.com.Now, before I get to talking about the particulars of communication in thecontext of a relationship, I want to address the elephant in the room.
你在聽那個對話。一個喜馬拉雅學習音頻課程，一定要檢查所有其他可怕的獨家內容在喜馬拉雅應用程序或mla.com網站.現在，在我談論一段關系中的溝通細節之前，我想先談談房間里的大象。

I know you mightbe asking yourself what in the world is a judge doing, talking aboutcommunication. No less communication in a romantic relationship. Let me giveyou a little background. Might help you out in 1994, I became a judge in amunicipal court. The last part is important. Eunice court is where regularpeople end up when they get caught doing irregular things.
我知道你可能會問自己，法官到底在做什麼，談論溝通。在一段浪漫的關系中，交流同樣重要。我來給你介紹一下背景。1994年，我在一個市法院當了法官。最后一部分很重要。尤尼斯法院是常人在做不正常事情時被抓的地方。

I saw familyfights, domestic violence, personal disputes from neighbors, fighting neighborsto break ups that went bad to spouses who can't get along, who get into fights.I found out when I was there, that the inability to communicate. Was that thebottom of most of their concerns. Additionally, I am a 60 year old woman whohas been married for 33 years, whatever mistakes you're struggling with, I'veprobably made and possibly more than once last, but certainly by no means,least I was the divorce court judge for 13 years.
我看到了家庭爭吵，家庭暴力，鄰居們的個人糾紛，鄰居吵架，分手，這些都對相處不好的夫妻不利。當我在那里的時候，我發現我無法溝通。這是他們最關心的問題。另外，我是一個60歲的女人，結婚33年了，無論你在糾結什麼錯誤，我都可能犯過，而且可能不止一次，但絕對不是，至少我在離婚法庭當了13年法官。

And as I said,those people were real. We flew him in. We saw thousands of couples in thethroes of some kind of romantic dysfunction as they laid out their stories. Forme, I saw themes. I intercepted patterns. I learned what works well and whatdoesn't work at all. And let me tell you this. What I saw on the show actuallysaved my marriage in its 18th year.
就像我說的，那些人是真實的。我們讓他飛了進來。我們看到成千上萬的夫婦在講述他們的故事時，正處於某種浪漫障礙的痛苦之中。我看到了主題。我截獲了模式。我學會了什麼是有效的，什麼是不起作用的。讓我告訴你這個。我在節目中看到的事實上挽救了我18年的婚姻。

Personal note, it's a bitof an aside, but I think it's important from years 15 to
個人意見，這有點離題，但我認為從15歲到

18, I would have sold myhusband to any willing woman for a dollar, and they may have gotten somechange. We were in a very unhappy untenable, unkind
18，我會把我的丈夫賣給任何一個願意的女人，他們可能會得到一些零錢。我們在一個非常不幸的，難以忍受的，無情的

place, and Icouldn't figure out what the problem was until one day I went to court and sawa string of cases.
直到有一天我去法院看了一連串的案子，我才弄清楚問題出在哪里。

That highlightedexactly what we were doing wrong at home. That's what allowed me to come backwith an understanding of the need for effective communication, because that indeedwas what was wrong with us. We had
這恰恰突出了我們在家里做錯了什麼。這使我能夠重新認識到有效溝通的必要性，因為這確實是我們的問題所在。我們曾經

forgotten how totalk. Now I'm going to go into that in some detail and let it pod course, but Ijust wanted you to see right now.
忘了怎麼說話了。現在我將詳細介紹一下，讓它進入正軌，但我只想讓你現在就看到。

How it is. Icame to know what I know and how I believe, what I know can help you. You know,we study a lot of things, reading, writing, arithmetic, but we rarely studysome of the most complicated things that we do because we take them as common.And therefore we take them for granted. We don't study it.
怎麼回事。我知道我所知道的，我如何相信，我所知道的可以幫助你。你知道，我們學習很多東西，閱讀，寫作，算術，但我們很少學習我們所做的最復雜的事情，因為我們認為它們是共同的。因此我們認為這是理所當然的。我們不研究它。

We don't figure outwhat's going on.
我們不知道發生了什麼。

We fall in love.We get together and we think it feels so good. And it feels so right. And thisis such a common thing. And it's something that everybody does that we ought tobe able to just do it. But that simply isn't the case. Everybody talks abouthow complicated relationships are. And I think the ability to communicate welleffectively and passionately with knowledge and with understanding is one of themost important ways that we can keep our relationships together.
我們相愛了。我們聚在一起，感覺很好。感覺很對。這是一件很平常的事。這是每個人都會做的事情，我們應該能夠做到。但事實並非如此。每個人都在談論人際關系有多復雜。我認為，與知識和理解進行有效而熱情的溝通是我們保持人際關系的最重要方式之一。

What we're goingto talk about. The first thing I want to say is that communication in general,even when it's not in the context, Of a romantic relationship can be very, verycomplicated. Communication is not just about opening up your mouth and sayingwhat's on your mind. It's a meaningful exchange of information that bearsresults.
我們要談的。我想說的第一件事是，一般的交流，即使不是在上下文中，浪漫關系的交流也會非常非常復雜。溝通不僅僅是張開嘴說出你的想法。這是一種有意義的信息交流，會產生結果。

Communication isnot just about getting things off your chest. It's about being understood. It'smore than simply getting your opinion out there. It's about the ability topersuade, to calm, to resolve, or simply to convey concern. It's aboutestablishing the mood in the room. One that encourages. Everyone to get whatthey need.
溝通不僅僅是把事情說出來。是關於被理解。這不僅僅是把你的意見公之於眾。它是關於說服、冷靜、解決問題的能力，或者僅僅是傳達關心的能力。這是關於在房間里建立氣氛。鼓勵者鼓勵的人。每個人都能得到他們需要的。

It's also tooimportant that you understand that communication is more than simply aboutwords. It is the exchange of information. And we do that in a variety of way.Communication can be as straightforward as asking someone for the time. It canbe as subtle as conveying sadness through your eyes. It can be as devastatingas turning your back on someone you're talking to and walking out of the room.
同樣重要的是你要明白溝通不僅僅是語言。這是信息交流。我們有很多種方法。交流可以像問别人時間一樣簡單。它可以是微妙的通過你的眼睛傳達悲傷。這可能是毀滅性的，就像你背對著别人說話然后走出房間。

It can be aswarm as the sense of care you share. When you wake at somebody across thetable, it can be a solidifying as the connection conveyed by a five minutes.Exchange of nonsensical information about the kind of day that you had and tolistening to what everybody has to say. About the most common things thatoccurred during the day.
它可以像你分享的關懷一樣溫暖。當你醒來時發現桌對面有人，這可能是一種凝固，就像五分鐘內傳遞的聯系一樣。交換關於你度過的那一天的無意義的信息，並傾聽每個人的意見。關於白天最常見的事情。

So now that wekind of got the scope of communication, that it's not just about words, andit's not just about commentary and discussion, that it's a whole scope ofthings that we exchange. I want to talk about the particular issues that yourun into in communication as a part of a romantic relationship.
現在我們有了交流的範圍，不僅僅是文字，不僅僅是評論和討論，而是我們交流的全部內容。我想談談作為浪漫關系的一部分，你在交流中遇到的一些特殊問題。

you know, itseems kind of odd that communication in a romantic relationship is as complicatedas it is. You know, you love that person, you know, that person you want to bewith that person. You think you understand that person. That's why you wit thatperson. Then why is communication in the context of that relationship?
你知道嗎，浪漫關系中的交流如此復雜似乎有點奇怪。你知道，你愛那個人，你知道，你想和那個人在一起的那個人。你以為你了解那個人。這就是你為什麼要跟那個人開玩笑。那麼為什麼溝通是在這種關系的背景下進行的？

Such a difficultthing. There are a lot of reasons. There are a lot of things that lean on itthat make it so very, very hard. I contend that talking to your partner isfraught with difficulties. We tend not to see. What brings us together, sharinga life and the most intimate things of our, our existence create minefields.
太難了。原因有很多。有很多東西依賴於它，使它變得非常非常困難。我認為和你的搭檔談話充滿了困難。我們往往看不見。是什麼把我們聚集在一起，分享我們的生活和最親密的東西，我們的存在創造了雷區。

We don'tanticipate and rarely address. Let's talk about a few of them because I believeyou can't solve a problem. You can't see number one, having conversations withyour significant other is more difficult simply because we're at home. Youwouldn't think that, but it is, you know, when you're outside of the house,there are a whole lot of unwritten rules that dictate what you do, how youexpress yourself and how people talk to you.
我們没有預期，也很少涉及。我們來談談其中的一些，因為我相信你解決不了問題。你看不到第一，和你的另一半交談更困難，因為我們在家。你不會這麼想，但是，你知道，當你不在家的時候，有很多不成文的規則規定你做什麼，你如何表達自己，人們如何與你交談。

If you go tochurch or synagogue or the mosque or court, or if you're in a meeting, thereare unwritten rules about how you conduct yourself. You are polite. Youconsider other people, you are watching your behavior because you need to, it'sexpected other people are watching you. All of those things matter when you'retrying to make yourself understood out in the world, but then you get home andy'all.
如果你去教堂、猶太教堂、清真寺或法庭，或者你在開會，關於你的行為有不成文的規定。你很有禮貌。你在考慮别人，你在觀察你的行為，因為你需要這樣做，别人也會看著你。當你試圖讓世界了解你自己的時候，所有這些都很重要，但是你回到家里，然后你們就可以了。

And you want tobe able to express yourself just the way you feel. You've contained yourselfall day and you're coming home and you want to talk to the person who shouldlove you, understand you want the best for you. Should know you better thananybody else. So why wouldn't the freedom to speak as you feel the way you feelit in the volume that you feel it at the speed at which you feel it, and in thewords, in which you feel it based such a difficult thing.
你想用你的感受來表達自己。你一整天都在克制自己，你要回家了，你想和愛你的人談談，明白你想要最好的。應該比别人更了解你。那麼，為什麼不能以你感覺的方式說話的自由，在你感覺它的音量里，以你感覺到它的速度，用你感覺到它的語言來表達，這是一件非常困難的事情。

But let me tellyou, if you just go straight with how you feel, you don't consider the otherperson when you feel it. When you don't have any rules and regulations abouthow you come across, you come across any old kind way, and the person thatyou're in love with and the person that loves you. Is going to take everythingyou say so very seriously.
但讓我告訴你，如果你只是直截了當地表達你的感受，你就不會去考慮别人。當你没有任何關於你如何遇到的規則和規則，你會遇到任何舊的方式，你愛的人和愛你的人。會認真對待你所說的一切。

And so verymeaningfully that an incorrect word here, an incorrect phrase there, or anemotion that there don't quite understand makes it. That much harder for themto hear it and to understand it. So we've dropped all of our niceties. We'vedropped all of our consideration. We a moat as we feel. And we oftenunintentionally don't say what we mean and don't consider who we feel when wesay it.
非常有意義的是，一個不正確的詞，一個不正確的短語，或者一種不太理解的情緒。他們更難聽到和理解它。所以我們放棄了所有的細節。我們放棄了所有的考慮。我們感覺就像護城河。我們常常無意中不說我們的意思，也不考慮我們說話時的感受。

So we don'tthink about it. We don't consider that it's a place where we need to use ourheads and make an effort to monitor how and what we say. So we can forge andsupport a union instead of pulling it apart or worse yet simply not meet eachother's needs because we're not paying attention to what the other person needsto hear.
所以我們不去想它。我們不認為這是一個我們需要動動腦筋，努力監督我們怎麼說和說什麼的地方。因此，我們可以建立和支持一個聯盟，而不是拆散它，或者更糟的是，我們根本不滿足對方的需要，因為我們没有注意到對方需要聽到什麼。

The second thing that makes communication in the context of arelationship.
第二件事是在一段關系中進行交流。

So difficult isthe sheer volume of the things we need to talk about. When you're at work, youneed to talk to your coworker about whatever project it is you're doing athome. You got to talk about everything, whether you live in together, or justtalking to one another, you have to talk about.
我們需要談論的事情太多太難了。當你在工作的時候，你需要和你的同事談談你在家里做的任何項目。你必須談論每件事，無論你住在一起，還是只是彼此交談，你都必須談論。

Hi, you livewhat you want to do. What's happening on Friday night. Where's your moneygoing? Who they're talking to. You have to talk about what you want to do thatday, what you want to do that night. You got to talk about sex, all of thosethings, all of those many levels of why you've got to talk about who you hangout with, you got to talk about his people, her people, you have to talk aboutso much your sicknesses, your, your desires, your emotions, all of those thingshave to be communicated.
嗨，你做你想做的事。星期五晚上發生了什麼事。你的錢去哪了？他們在和誰說話。你必須談論你那天想做什麼，那天晚上你想做什麼。你必須談論性，所有這些事情，所有這些不同層次的為什麼你要談論你和誰在一起，你必須談論他的人，她的人，你必須談論你的疾病，你，你的欲望，你的情緒，所有這些事情都必須被傳達。

Even you talkabout what happened at work. What happened at work might be all on yourpartner's mind and you can't come to one mind about what you need to speakabout that day. The sheer quantity of information makes it that much harder.Next thing, vulnerability. When you're in love, your hearts exposed, who youchoose to love and who chooses to love you back is critical to how you seeyourself.
甚至你也在談論工作中發生的事情。工作中發生的事情可能都在你伴侶的腦海里，你不能對那天你需要說的事情產生一致的想法。龐大的信息量讓這件事變得更加困難。接下來就是脆弱性。當你墜入愛河時，你的心會暴露出來，你選擇愛誰，誰選擇愛你，這對你如何看待自己至關重要。

It's sopersonal. It's so meaningful being loved can give you strength and a sense ofwellbeing. It is so deep that everything that happens in the context of thatrelationship leans on how you feel about yourself. If the guy at the cornerstore rolls his eyes at you, that's one thing. But when the man or the womanthat you're in love with, does it.
太私人化了。被愛能給你力量和幸福感是很有意義的。這是如此深刻，以至於在這種關系中發生的一切都取決於你對自己的感覺。如果街角商店的那個人對你翻白眼，那是一回事。但當你愛的男人或女人，你就會這麼做。

It's an entirelydifferent thing. It can eat away at your very sense of self. This isn't a side,but I can't help myself. I roll them by the way is one of my pet peeves. It'salso one of those things that. It's been called the four horsemen of arelationship apocalypse that disdain, that people feel. And the way that weexpress that for one another can be devastating in a relationship.
這是完全不同的事情。它會侵蝕你的自我意識。這不是一面，但我不能控制自己。我把它們放在一邊是我最討厭的事之一。這也是其中之一。這被稱為四騎士的關系啟示錄蔑視，人們覺得。我們對彼此表達的方式在一段關系中可能是毀滅性的。

And we're goingto go through that in detail in another pod course, just saying it's real. Andit's a problem. Another thing that complicates comm communication in thecontext of a relationship is the general public's interest in it. Does it seemthat it would be, but it is our relationship status is a significant part ofhow we relate to the world.
我們將在另一個播客課程中詳細介紹這一點，只是說這是真實的。這是個問題。另一個使人際交往復雜化的因素是公眾對它的興趣。看起來是這樣嗎？但事實上，我們的關系狀況是我們如何與世界交往的重要組成部分。

Our romanticstatus is often and sometimes ugly. If you ask me all tied up and what peoplethink about us, but my Facebook status to a tax forms to medical forms, peoplewant to know who you're connected to. And in what way, It used to be thedetermining factor on how we addressed a woman as miss or mrs.
我們的浪漫狀態往往是醜陋的，有時甚至是醜陋的。如果你問我都被綁起來了，别人怎麼看我們，但我的Facebook狀態到稅務表再到醫療表格，人們都想知道你和誰有聯系。以什麼方式，它曾經是我們如何稱呼一個女人為小姐或夫人的決定性因素。

Who she was. Hertitle was determined by her relationship status. Now that's fallen away a bitwho we love and how we do it is a huge part of how we see ourselves in thisworld. One of the things that has caught my attention over the 13 years that Ihave presided over divorce court is how the world has been intruding in ourrelationships.
她是誰。她的頭銜是由她的關系狀況決定的。現在，我們愛的人和我們如何去做，這是我們在這個世界上如何看待自己的一個重要部分。在我主持離婚法庭的13年里，有一件事引起了我的注意，那就是世界是如何入侵我們的關系的。

We post abouthow everything is going in our lives. We post about how we feel, who we love,what's going on. That adds a whole extra layer of pressures. You want torepresent one thing you don't want to look stupid. It's a mess. It's an entiremess, which I will talk about, but it dictates a lot of what we do unknowingly,because if you are chronicling your relationship online, then a lot of what youdo at home is affected by how it's going to look to the world.
我們發布關於我們生活中一切的進展。我們發布我們的感受，我們愛誰，發生了什麼。這就增加了一層額外的壓力。你想代表一件事你不想看起來很愚蠢。真是一團糟。這是一場混亂，我將要談論，但它決定了我們在不知不覺中做的很多事情，因為如果你在網上記錄你們的關系，那麼你在家里做的很多事情都會受到它對世界的看法的影響。

My personalsuggestion is, is you cut that out because it's an additional pressure that youdon't need. But yet again, we'll talk about that later. Another thing thatcomplicates communication in the course of a relationship is the assumption offamiliarity you're in love and you know that person, but if I had a dime forevery time, somebody told me in divorce court, That if he or she loved me, theyshould know.
我個人的建議是，你把它去掉，因為這是你不需要的額外壓力。不過，我們以后再說一遍。另一件讓戀愛過程中的溝通變得復雜的事情是，假設你在戀愛，你認識那個人，但如果我每次都有一毛錢，有人在離婚法庭上告訴我，如果他或她愛我，他們應該知道。

Or she knows howI am. I don't know how she doesn't understand, or he knows me. He knows what Iwant. I can't believe that he, and you can finish that sentence any way youwant. We assume that we understand that person deeply and thoroughly and ascomplicated as we are as people that is rarely, rarely the case.
或者她知道我怎麼樣。我不知道她怎麼不明白，或者他了解我。他知道我想要什麼。我真不敢相信他，你想怎麼說都行。我們假設我們對那個人的理解是深刻而徹底的，就像我們一樣復雜，很少是這樣。

So. When weassume a certain level of familiarity, we don't listen as hard. If I'm talkingto somebody I don't know, from a different culture or a different place atwork, really hard to try to figure out what they're saying, but you willassume, you know, what your partner is saying and feeling so you don't reallygive their words, their feeling, their tone there.
所以。當我們假定一定程度的熟悉時，我們就不會認真聽。如果我和一個我不認識的人說話，來自不同的文化或不同的工作地點，我很難去理解他們在說什麼，但是你會假設，你知道，你的伴侶在說什麼和感覺，所以你不會真的說出他們的話，他們的感受，他們的語氣。

Their, their physical presence asspecifically and meaningfully as we should. So why did I bother to tell you allof this? I told you all of this because I want you to be clear about what allthe pressures are. If you don't know what complicates things, you can'tadequately address them, being aware of all of the pressures and issues helpsyou immeasurably.
他們，他們的身體存在，就像我們應該做的那樣具體而有意義。我為什麼要費心告訴你這些？我告訴你這些是因為我想讓你明白所有的壓力是什麼。如果你不知道什麼使事情復雜化，你就不能充分地解決它們，意識到所有的壓力和問題對你有著不可估量的幫助。

Even if youdon't know what to do about them in the beginning, awareness is the first stepto commanding anything. Knowing where the difficulties are gives you clear avision and a place to start your journey to establish the relationship that youwant. So in order to help you navigate the difficulties that you have in yourromantic relationship or.
即使你一開始不知道該怎麼做，但意識是掌控一切的第一步。知道困難在哪里會給你一個清晰的視野和一個地方開始你的旅程，建立你想要的關系。所以為了幫助你克服你在戀愛中遇到的困難。

Deeper still, ifyou have a good relationship and you just want to solidify it, you want to makeit stronger. You want to build it on a foundation that has, has, uh, uh, Idon't know, uh, the capacity to withstand coming storms. You need to know howto communicate because that's how you build that foundation.
更深層的是，如果你有一段好的關系，你只想鞏固它，你就想讓它更牢固。你想在一個基礎上建立它，呃，呃，呃，我不知道，呃，抵禦風暴來臨的能力。你需要知道如何溝通，因為這就是你建立這個基礎的方法。

Andunderstanding the complications and communications will help you do it better.And then that foundation guilt gets built with greater ease. So there were thebasic that I want you to understand at this juncture. It is not an exhaustivelist of all the complications. There are in communication, but I wanted you tosee at the outset.
了解這些復雜情況和溝通方式會幫助你做得更好。然后基金會的內疚感就更容易建立起來。所以在這個關鍵時刻我想讓你們了解一些基本的東西。這並不是所有復雜情況的詳儘清單。在溝通中有，但我希望你一開始就看到。

All of theindividual things that can press on your communication issues. So youunderstand what we're doing and where we're trying to go. And so you can watchwhat you're doing now and see if any of those problems have crept their wayinto what you say to the person that you love. How are we going to tackle this?
所有可能影響你溝通問題的個人因素。所以你明白我們在做什麼，我們要去哪里。所以你可以觀察你現在在做什麼，看看這些問題是否已經悄悄地進入你對你愛的人所說的話中。我們要怎麼解決這個問題？

We're going totackle this by. Tackling a whole lot of aspects of every relationship. Forinstance, we're going to talk background, understanding what you both bring tothe table is very important in determining how well that meal goals, you know,everyone sees things through the prism of their past. If you don't know howyour experience has been, the light, you shine on what said you're going to endup reading in the dark.
我們要解決這個問題。處理每一段關系的方方面面。例如，我們將討論背景，了解你們兩人在餐桌上都帶來了什麼，這對於決定用餐目標有多好非常重要，你知道，每個人都通過他們過去的棱鏡來看待事情。如果你不知道你的經歷是怎樣的，光，你照耀著你說你將在黑暗中閱讀的東西。

Let me give youan example. I got married in 1989 and I know that's when the dinosaurs wereout, but anyway I did. And in 1989, 1990 and 1991, I spent each of those yearsinsulted my husband in the worst way possible almost every day. Let me tell youwhy. Didn't do it on purpose. I thought I was expressing love, but I didn'tunderstand how my past had informed my present and how my present was killinghis love.
我給你舉個例子。我1989年結婚，我知道那是恐龍出世的時候，但不管怎樣，我還是結婚了。在1989年、1990年和1991年，我幾乎每天都在用最壞的方式侮辱我的丈夫。讓我告訴你為什麼。不是故意的。我以為我在表達愛，但我不明白我的過去是如何影響我現在的，我的現在是如何扼殺他的愛的。

Mack was raisedin a family where unvarnished truth-telling was. What we did all of the time.Nobody said, well, now I think you could do better. If my mother actually saidto me one day, you know, if I didn't love you, I let you go out, looking likethat. You need to get in your room and change your clothes.
麥克在一個家庭里長大，那里講真話是不加修飾的。我們一直在做什麼。没人說，好吧，現在我想你可以做得更好。如果有一天我媽媽真的對我說，如果我不愛你，我會讓你出去，就這樣。你得進你的房間換衣服。

This did notcome across to me as criticism. This came across to me as love. We were blunt.We were, we didn't use any niceties, but because we understood, we wanted thebest for one another. We didn't bother with that. So I thought bluntexpressions of correction and criticism was an expression of love. My husband,however, was not brought up in a similar household.
我不認為這是批評。我覺得這是愛。我們直言不諱。我們是，我們没有使用任何細節，但因為我們明白，我們想要最好的彼此。我們没有為此煩惱。我對愛的直截了當的批評和表達。然而，我丈夫並不是在類似的家庭長大的。

It hashousehold. He did what most people do. You know, they take the feelings intoconsideration when they make, uh, when they have a conversation about what'sgoing on. Well, you know, they, they softened it up a bit. We never did. So hethought I was just coming for him when I thought I was loving him. I did notunderstand how the script that my parents wrote for me was messing up the playI was trying to have with my husband.
它有家庭。他做了大多數人做的事。你知道，當他們，呃，當他們談論發生了什麼事的時候，他們會考慮到他們的感受。嗯，你知道，他們，他們軟化了一點。我們從來没有。所以當我以為我愛他時，他以為我只是來找他。我不明白我父母為我寫的劇本怎麼會把我和丈夫想演的戲搞砸了。

We're also goingto talk about emotional intelligence. One of the reasons that relationships areso difficult to have great conversations and because that's a logical thing,but we are all immersed in, in the emotional aspects of that relationship beingin love affects your self-esteem. It involves fear, jealousy, great desire.
我們還將討論情商。一個原因是關系很難有好的對話，因為這是一個合乎邏輯的事情，但我們都沉浸在，在情感方面的關系，戀愛會影響你的自尊。它包括恐懼、嫉妒和巨大的欲望。

And all of thatleans on what you say. So there's so many emotions that you have to deal with,and if you haven't sorted them out, if you haven't figured out why you feel theway you feel and what that's making you do, or say you might end up doing orsaying something that does not really examine or get to the thoughts you wantto convey.
所有這些都取決於你說什麼。所以，有太多的情緒需要你去處理，如果你没有理清它們，如果你還没有弄清楚為什麼你會有這樣的感覺，或者說你可能最終會做或說一些没有真正審視或得到你想要表達的想法的話。

We're gonna talkabout how emotional intelligence will allow you to get your mind right before youopen your mouth. We're also going to talk about masculinity and femininitytraits. We all have in varying degrees because it's important. And I know thatgender is not as binary or not considered in such a strict binary way as itused to be.
我們要談談情商是如何讓你在開口之前就有頭腦。我們還將討論男性和女性特質。我們都有不同程度的變化，因為這很重要。我也知道，性别不再是二元的，或者没有像過去那樣嚴格地以二元的方式來考慮。

We all havefeminine and masculine tendencies and all of that liens on how we say what wesay and how we hear what's said to us, the difference between what a man says,and a woman hears can be as wide as the grand Canyon. Yes. I know gender isoften a stereotype, but let me tell you my own experiences at home and what hashappened in divorce court.
我們都有女性化和男性化的傾向，所有這些都是關於如何說我們所說的和如何聽到别人對我們說的話的留置權，男人說的話和女人聽到的聲音之間的差别可以像大峽谷一樣大。對。我知道性别通常是一種刻板印象，但讓我告訴你我在家的經歷以及在離婚法庭上發生了什麼。

Led me tounderstand that our brains can work differently and the way our brains work,determines how we receive and deliver information. We have to take all of thatinto account. Also in this podcast, we're going to talk about the logistics ofa good conversation, and there are logistics involved. Tone timing, topic.
讓我明白，我們的大腦可以有不同的工作方式，我們的大腦工作方式決定了我們如何接收和傳遞信息。我們必須把這些都考慮進去。在這個播客中，我們還將討論物流的一個很好的對話，並且涉及到物流。語調，話題。

All of thosethings enter into the successful conveyance of information. And if you havegood process and procedure, you'll put them into place and they become a habit.They make every conversation just that much easier to have. We're also going totalk about the hobgoblin of habit. We human beings are creatures of habit.
所有這些都是成功傳遞信息的關鍵。如果你有好的流程和程序，你會把它們放在適當的位置，它們會成為一種習慣。他們讓每一次談話都更容易進行。我們還將討論習慣的妖精。我們人類是有習慣的生物。

And we tend tohave the same conversation in the same way without examining what we said andfiguring out how successful it was and determining how to change, how we saynot because we're changing how we feel, but we're changing the manner in whichwe express it so we can get understood. A good relationship, a good romanticrelationship can be a great thing, but a good relationship requires work.
我們傾向於以同樣的方式進行同樣的談話，而不去審視我們所說的話，不去弄清楚它有多成功，也没有決定如何改變，我們說的方式並不是因為我們在改變我們的感受，而是在改變我們表達它的方式，這樣我們才能被理解。一個好的關系，一個好的浪漫關系可以是一件偉大的事情，但一個良好的關系需要工作。

If we just gettogether and let things happen, it won't work out it since it's one of the mostimportant things we do, we have to work at how we do it. And if we work atcommunication, which by the way is a remarkable thing and ability to convey aideas wants and needs and abstract thoughts. Is a very deep and powerful thing.
如果我們只是聚在一起讓事情發生，這是不可能的，因為這是我們做的最重要的事情之一，我們必須努力去做我們該怎麼做。如果我們致力於交流，順便說一句，這是一件了不起的事情，它能傳達一種思想，欲望，需要和抽象的思想。是一個非常深刻和強大的東西。

We should beable to have a handle on it to make it a tool that we can use with power andwith intelligence and with ability and with intellect. So it can support allthat love and care and happy that we want. And that. Ladies and gentlemen, if whatthis pod course is all about now, as I leave you today, I'm going to do so forsome homework.
我們應該能夠控制它，使之成為一種我們可以用力量、智慧、能力和智慧使用的工具。所以它可以支持我們想要的愛、關心和幸福。還有那個。女士們，先生們，如果這個播客課程是關於什麼的，就像我今天離開你們一樣，我要做一些家庭作業。

And yes, I knowthat's an audacious thing to do and a pod course, but I'm going to do itanyway. We need to think about it. What happens if you don't do it? I don'tknow where you live. There's nothing I can do to you, but I'm going to ask youto do the homework anyway. It's easy. What I'd like you to do when you leavehere is sit back and take a look at your relationship.
是的，我知道這是一件大膽的事，也是一個播客課程，但我還是要去做。我們需要考慮一下。如果你不這麼做會怎麼樣？我不知道你住在哪里。我對你無能為力，但我還是要請你做作業。很簡單。我希望你離開這里的時候，坐下來看看你們的關系。

A new. Listen tonew. Listen to the words you use, listen to the words your partner uses, listento the kind of arguments you have over and over again. Listen to the thingsthat you say and don't say, what kind of things can't you talk about or won'ttalk about, or have difficulty talking about. I want you to just take a stepaway from the talking and see what you're talking about.
一個新的。聽新的。聽你用的詞，聽你的伴侶用的詞，聽你一遍又一遍的爭論。聽聽你說的和没說的，什麼樣的事情你不能說，不願意說，或者說起來有困難。我要你離談話遠一點，看看你在說什麼。

So you kind ofhave a lay of the land when we go through the rest of what we're going to do. That'smy whole work for you. Our next Cod course is going to talk about the firstbattle and the first battle anyone has. In trying to communicate their ideaswith anyone is a battle with themselves. So you know exactly what it is youfeel and what it is you want to say.
所以當我們完成剩下的工作時，你已經有了一個大致的計劃。這就是我為你做的全部工作。我們的下一節課要講的是第一次戰鬥，以及任何人都有過的第一次戰鬥。試圖與任何人交流他們的想法是與他們自己的鬥爭。所以你知道你的感受和你想說什麼。

So whetheryou're currently cradled in the bosom of a new and passionate love, you want tolast, or if you've just begun to take a run at happily ever after, and you'relooking to avoid the minefields along the way. Or whether you're in thetrenches of a long-term relationship, trying to find your way through theweeds, or if the two of you are just floundering around in an ocean of ordinarydissatisfaction and you can't find a way to better.
因此，無論你現在是在一個新的和充滿激情的愛的懷抱中，你想堅持下去，或者如果你剛剛開始在快樂的生活中奔跑，並且你正在尋找一條遠離雷區的道路。或者你是在一段長期關系的溝壑中，試圖在雜草叢中找到出路，還是你們倆只是在一片普通的不滿的海洋中掙紮，而你卻找不到更好的方法。

This will allowyou to have the most effective communication to allow you to do all of thosethings. Ladies and gentlemen, I need you to remember this every time you openyour mouth, that offers both options and opportunity. You can fire a shotacross the bow, or take a pass at calm. You can decide to confront, or you candecide to inquire.
這將使你有最有效的溝通，讓你做所有這些事情。女士們先生們，我需要你們每次開口都要記住這一點，這既提供了選擇，也提供了機會。你可以在船頭開一槍，或者冷靜地傳球。你可以決定面對，也可以決定詢問。

You can fill amoment with silence or a kind word. You can wait, you can decide. You can makecommunication. One of the best tools that you have, or you can just open yourmouth, say what's on your mind and let the chips fall where they met in caseyou didn't figure it out. I don't recommend that last one.
你可以用沉默或一句善意的話來填滿這一刻。你可以等等，你可以決定。你可以交流。最好的工具之一，或者你可以張開嘴，說出你的想法，讓籌碼落在他們相遇的地方，以防你没弄明白。我不推薦最后一個。

As we go alongthis journey together, I would love to answer questions that you have aboutyour own relationship issues and communication. Go to the
當我們一起走過這段旅程的時候，我很樂意回答你們關於你們自己的關系問題和交流的問題。去

Himalayas site,go into the community for this podcast and leave a question. I'd love to havean opportunity to talk about exactly what's on your mind. I'm looking forwardto this guys.
喜馬拉雅山網站，進入這個播客社區並留下一個問題。我很想有機會談談你到底在想什麼。我很期待這些家夥。

I hope you are too.
我希望你也是。